i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're breaking my sexual little heart
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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