OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
