you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize