I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
