Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
