If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize