Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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