Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
