I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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