What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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