I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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