Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
