this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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