Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
