Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
