alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you had me at cake vodka
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
