Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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