Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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