How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have aggressive nipples.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
