Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
time to smoke my breakfast
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
