i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
