theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
