Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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