Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
