Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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