I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
