Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize