there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize