I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
