Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
