dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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