I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
there is glitter all over my balls
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
