Your tits are I can't wait for
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
