I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
