we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i think i just lost a toe
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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