i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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