Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
