Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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