my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
