Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
