we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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