I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
