He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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