i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
