How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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