I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
