Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
