i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
