Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Your dad touched me again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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