Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
