i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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