dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
