just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
