I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
