Kiss
Puke
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
