Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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