I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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