In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
