Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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