I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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